I'm trying the "save the chicken" gag that I made with emily. You save the chicken by getting into the water to bring it back to land. I made it from when I was playing a video game, and I didn't know how to advance to the next part. So, I played around with the scenery. So, I had to retrieve produce,chickens,signs,rocks...
I think I know why you told me to take off the collar. It's because a few idiots thought that it was a good idea to play something called "the choking game". Do you BELIEVE that I'd be stupid enough to play "Natural selection: the home version"? It's VERY loose. It's as loose as I could make it. I know. That's why I always say, "Kids are in two different flavors. Intelligent, and dumb. Guess which one is always out for repairs?".
Things I have learned: (not to be taken seriously, even though I DO have some few good points here and there.)
1.Kids/teens enjoy making other's life miserable. To turn the tables, say "You call THAT an insult? I've seen BABIES say more offensive things than that! And they almost always babble nonsense!", and wait until the insults decay to "wee-wee poo-poo head" mixed with profanity. Then, you can quit the conversation while laughing at the stupidity, and post the conversation on your blog. Then, feel upset at the decay of the youth of today.
2.Xenophobes are EVERYWHERE. So, just pretend to be normal. If you do anything different, prepare for the media to wait for you to screw up, and then everyone (and everyone's grandmother) knows that "John Doe is a child-molesting terrorist! Video games and *insert-group-here-that-You're-a-member-of* to blame!", because everyone knows that The Media never lies, no matter how obviously incorrect it is! /sarcasm In other words, prepare every media interview like you're in a reality show with idiots that only care about ratings, and would happily make you say that you want to blow up the capitol, as long as it means that people watch it.
3.To every fun thing, there's always an idiot attempting to ruin it. For example, (Made this up at the spot) electric-fence-games. People use that to make the sparks make music. The idiot (Let's call him "Joe Bloggs") decides to urinate on the electric fence. He gets sent to the hospital, he files a frivious lawsuit, and the lawyers shut it down. So, here's a hint for all you J.Bloggs out there, DON'T WHIZ ON THE ELECTRIC FENCE, FOR PETE'S SAKE!
4.Cyber-bullies are wimps. They bully behind a screen so nobody beats them up. So ignore them, get a more-secure password other than "Password", report EVERY HATE SITE about you, and if it's on a hate-wiki, SPAM IT WITH SWEDISH FOLK-SONGS! (Though, the last one might get you in trouble, it'd be pretty fun.Seeing "U WER BAND KUZ U R A LUZER" while "Nu ar det jul igen" playing in the background:priceless.)
5.Some kids are jerks. Take some advice from fish. Alone, you're an easy target. But with friends, then you're better than them. Especially when one of your friends comes up with good comebacks that aren't "borrowed" from the internet. (Advice void when more people are jerks than there are nice kids.)
6.Teens stereotype. They think that everything disney is for "babies". Many people watch it, and most of them aren't parents-watching-it-with-their-kid, including me. In fact, I haven't watched a disney film with a baby since about 6 years ago! If you actually UNDERSTAND the disney films, they're enjoyable for adults too. The commentary on popular subjects of the time,the plot, the characters, the cartoon animals, the animation, the cartoon animals, the things that make you think "They can show this in a disney cartoon without the censors complaining?", the cartoon animals (An overrunning gag, the cartoon animals...), and the fact that it's the animation that you know and love. For example, take the late 20's-late 40's mickey mouse shorts. Walt was always experimenting with what the censors would allow, and that included allowing the cows to have their udders freely shown (until the censors got wise and stopped that). (Okay, I probably upset the censors with that, so this is rated TV-PG.) They also added commentary on what was popular. Take "The karnival (sic) kid" for example. Cartoon animals: Check.(All of the characters in there are anthropomorphic. That's "Things that act like a human" in Layman's Terms. Even the hot dogs are anthropomorphic!) Things that make you think "How is this in a kids cartoon?": check. ("Shimmy dancer Minnie" anyone? I'm not making this up.) Commentary: check. (The carnival's rigged games, and in a more literal version, mickey's snarky comments.) A hot-dog's bare bottom being spanked: check-a-roonie! (50 bucks says that it won't be shown on disney channel un-edited today...) So, do you STILL think that the cartoons are for little kids?
7.Normality comes before morality. Your kid is anti-social? Lock him in an institution! We don't want our "Generic-nuclear-family" to be tarnished, and all our friends leaving us! We could overdose him on prescription drugs, just so he won't say anything "rude or offensive" about us, like how we're abusing him for not being like his older brother! Sure, what could possibly go wrong? /sarcasm Remember kiddies, drugs are bad for you, especially drugs that effect your mind. If it isn't to keep you from going on a murderous rampage, then you don't need it. Normality is for wusses. It's more fun to be weird, that's why we don't die of boredom! This is why these "Look at these freaks! Gimme ratings!" programs exist. We're too stupid to figure out that weird people make the world go around! In short, if he's not crazy enough to blow up the world, don't give him anything that could mess up his mind EVEN MORE.
8.There are two internet-languages: teen-speak, and bark-speak. I'm fluent in mostly teen-speak, and I can understand SOME bark-speak. "ZUMG! LIEK, T33N5 R EV1L! LOLOLOLOL!" (*Shock* Teens are evil! *Laughing*) "Bark! Bark bark bark bark! *growl* *Roll on ground*" (Hey! Teenage girls are evil! *I'm upset, you probably did something dumb.* *Laughing,or probably trying to get rid of bugs in fur*) Sure, English and other real languages are online, but they're most common. I'm talking about the more uncommon languages. Though, teen-speak is more common. Just check out a random teenager's facebook, and you'll see.
9.Kids think they invented games,pranks,and practical jokes. But, they've been around for about a thousand years. In fact, your teachers might've pulled pranks as a kid. They (no pun intended) practically invented every gag. Billy thinks he's so clever when he tries out the old whoopee-cushion gag, but grandpa knows EVERY trick in the book. So, he's built in a resistance to the old "hand-in-water-bowl" gag. No wet bedsheets for Jeff!But, Jeff has a surprise for you! Just pull his finger!
10.Kids have a "Forbidden thingy! I must do it!" function wired into their brains. Say that they can't jump out the window, they'll decide to jump down anyways. Natural selection:The home version! Now you can beat Darwin at his own game! There's no lifeguard at THIS gene pool! (Besides, nobody's cleaned the filters since 1976, so there's some American-flag swim-trunks stuck in there somewhere, with flower-studded rubber bathing caps stuck to it.) So, everything you say, kids replace all mentions of "don't" with "Do it already! What are you waiting for? An invitation?". So, DO be safe, and do your research. When you get a dumb idea, chances are that if you survive, you'll go out of the hospital, and into the courthouse! You'll get to exchange your breezy-open-in-back peek-a-boo pajamas, with striped-monochrome pajamas! Your case will go next to "
Liebeck,Stella" in my "Wall of shame"
Joe Blogg's explanation.
Joe Bloggs is my name for the guy that does dumb things. Joe Bloggs decided to urinate on an electric fence, Joe decided to make toast in a bathtub, Joe decided to jump off a cliff because his friends were doing it... It's a wonder why I keep reviving him. Oh, it's because I need a "Timmy" to make my point on how you shouldn't do dumb things! He wanted to be EXTRA safe, so he tied the bungee cord on BOTH ankles! One end on the left, the other on the right! We're going to need another Bloggs!
Any teen-movie party in a nutshell.
Parent:We're going out for 4 hours. Don't do anything dumb!
*two minutes after parents leave*
Kid:YAAAAY! THIS IS THE GREATEST [obviously-not-a-stereotypical-wild-party] PARTY EVER!
*priceless vase, probably holding Great-Aunt-Gertrude's ashes, falls. It ALWAYS happens. There's no exceptions. If I can find enough scenes featuring this, I might put up a compilation set to "The anvil chorus".*
Kid:Alright everybody, I can fix this!
*vacuum*
Kid:What's that mom? You're heading home early? That's obviously not a twist! *cough*Murphy's law*cough*
*two minutes later*
Parents:Wow, you did it without a wild party!
Kid:Yes, I did.
*At the end, there's probably some over-weight guy who can't keep his trap shut about the party that obviously didn't happen, and the parents find out, and a "Be trustworthy. You don't want your life ruined because of a random party-goer who can't keep his trap shut." moral is cued.*
*Cue kid cleaning up dust bunnies and belly-button lint off Gertrude's ashes*
